“We are not makers of history. We are made by history.” -Martin Luther King, Jr.

It is February 2016. My whole life has consisted of February being Black History Month. In school, we would learn every day about a new person who did something profound. I was very interested because I was white, I had black friends, and I loved history. My history teacher when I got into middle school made things very interesting in class. It was hard not to love history. As I grow older, I try to remember all of the things I was taught. Luckily, I have Google to remember all that I may have forgotten or have yet to learn!

Black history month is not just black history, but American history. We all need to celebrate the accomplishments of a race that was, and in some cases still are, oppressed for many years. The accomplishments that were achieved despite all of the nonsensical maltreatment. People are people, humans are humans. I will never understand how one group of people feel as though they are superior to others. I will never be able to comprehend how someone feels they have any right to take away from another.

Some people feel as though Black History Month should be abolished. Despite how you feel, I will continue to teach my children, and those who will listen, the great efforts of these historical figures.

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“Why am I making this hard on myself when there’s so many beautiful reasons I have to be happy?” -Natasha Bedingfield

I have tried to distract myself from the anxiety. I have been going to the gym 2-3 times a week for 3 weeks now. My workout partner/friend goes every day. I get really exhausted and sleep my day away afterwards. Hopefully soon, I will feel better after working out.
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Noah is turning 6 on February 15. I can’t believe he is that old. It seems like yesterday that he was a newborn. He is still a mama’s boy though! He is learning so much in school. He is starting to read and do early math. It is crazy to see how far he has come since only September. He is going to be a very smart kid. His brother will start school this year, and I can’t wait to see how he is going to do. I am lucky to have two smart little guys!

“I cheated myself like I knew I would. I told you I was trouble. You know that I’m no good.” -Amy Winehouse

There is nothing worth writing about right now. I don’t want to put on the internet or down on paper what is going on. I’m just depressed because of some crap at work. I could have prevented this from happening. Unfortunately, I put myself in stressful situations. Self destruction is my specialty. I’m trying to love me more. I deserve a more stable life. At least, I think I do. At the very least, I hope I do.

“Jesus replied, ‘You do not realize now what I am doing, but later you will understand.'” -John 13:7

“Where you are today is no accident. God is using the situation to shape you and prepare you for the place He wants to bring you into tomorrow. Trust Him with His plan even if you don’t understand it.”

Things were starting to look up. 2016 has been a great year so far! Granted, we are less than a month in, but it was a good start to the year. Trust me, I wish I wasn’t sick. I wish that I could just work like a normal person and feel alright. Maybe, God is telling me I’m burned out in the field I am in. I could not imagine doing anything else with my life. I love taking care of people. Or maybe, I just love the idea of taking care of people. I’m not sure anymore. When things become difficult, you start to question everything. I have been doing this since Thursday. I haven’t done my usual sharing of all the information with others. I know, I post cryptic statuses on Facebook. I’m just venting. Some probably think that I do it for attention. Honestly, I do not. If you ask me what’s wrong, I will tell you. Although, today was different. I don’t want to tell because I’m afraid of putting that negative energy out into the world, and a negative result coming from that.

I did get to vent to a few people at work. The only reason was because tears were welling up in my eyes all day. I don’t know what I’m going to do if the situation takes a turn for the worst. I exhausted all of my resources to prove my side. I hate that it is out of my hands. I will definitely come to this when I find out more. As of now, I will just accept whatever is going to happen. God will take care of me. I have to believe in that.

“When you put your cares in God, He puts peace in your heart.”

“Yesterday is not ours to recover, but tomorrow is ours to win or lose.” -Lyndon B. Johnson

Ah, here I go again with the blogging. I am certain no one in real life or the internet cares to hear my daily ramblings. Actually, the reason is probably because I do ramble on a lot in person. But that matters not, I am going to start a new blog and, hopefully by downloading the app, I will be blogging for a long time! I do have a lot to say!

A few things are first. I will not be editing my blog to exclude certain people or situations. I know in order to keep my job I am not allowed to go on the internet and talk about patients because that is a violation of their privacy. But, there is nothing keeping me from talking about my family or friends! Hopefully, I won’t lose too many of those close to me whilst talking freely online. Obviously, I am joking. I do this a lot and take everything I say with a grain of salt! Family and friends: Please, have no worries!

Today, as in Saturday, was an interesting day. I had called into work Friday night because I had a migraine (which you will soon learn, I get often). After taking pain medication and going to bed, I woke up around 4am to discover my legs from my knees down were hurting. If it’s not one thing, it is another! I had planned a surprise retirement party for my good friend, motherly figure, and old coworker. So, I was not going to let the pain or lack of sleep keep me down today. I got all of my stuff (clothes, gifts, etc..) sorted out for the party before my three-year old, Liam, woke up. After he woke up, it was a whirlwind of excitement and play time. Lack of sleep and craziness from Liam caused me to snap at my husband a couple of times. I feel really bad for that, but I was easily agitated. Thankfully, he knows not to take it too much to heart and that I don’t mean it. We had everything sorted out for the day and it went really smoothly. My friend had no idea that we were surprising her, and she thought we were going for a girl’s night out. I am so thankful to have such helpful friends. We can not believe this was pulled off so well. We were definitely stressing about it.

Unfortunately, my pain did not go away all day. I have become accustomed to hiding it from others. There are times when I tell everyone everything about my pain. But, I try not to let it show especially when the focus is on another person. I just put on my makeup and smile as big as I can! I called into work tonight as well. I felt kind of off about calling in though. I was at this party having a good time. Some people are probably confused about why I would call in or say that I was using my pain as an excuse. So when I called in, I did not use my intermittent FMLA. So, put that in your pipe and smoke it! I’m sure, now that I have royally screwed myself with the holiday pay tomorrow, no one truly gives a shit if I skipped using FMLA. Oh well! I signed up to go into work this morning because I woke up at 2am and I am not having anymore pain. So now, I will wait until my supplements and medication kick in, continue to drink my water, and hopefully figure out what the hell I am going to do with this blog.